Another heavy one

Monday I was driving home from a dinner in Beppu with K and it just felt like serious talk night. We discussed our past and how coming to Japan has changed us - well in my case begun to change me. I guess I felt I needed to express to her my gratitude for getting me active in running. Perhaps I merely needed to put my own thoughts into words.

It sounds cliche but I am a firm believer in the saying “everything happens for a reason.” I am not religious by any means. I stoutly stand by my scientific values that not only does evolution happen but, it continues to shape the world. However, some things can’t be explained and despite all the terrible things that happen to people, if you change your mindset you will surely see a connection beneath it all you can learn from. I am not preaching and everyone is free to believe how they see fit, but this is some background from my side. Because of this philosophy, I have been examining the way some of my experiences have been shaped since the events leading up to my life in and prior to Japan. I was apparently stressing so much about coming here that it gave me an ulcer. I remember being so nervous for the interview that I couldn’t eat or sleep for 2 days. You can probably read about it in my earlier entries. I was also convinced I needed to be busy to function properly - which I talked about earlier as well. But despite it all, I made it to Japan and have been here for four months.

In fact, when I called the anonymous JET hotline to ask some questions I realized how good of shape I am actually in. As is routine, he asked me basic questions about my health and wellbeing before hanging up although I had called about something entirely trivial. I told him about my running habits, eating habits, study habits and work environment. He grilled me a little then finally finished our conversation by telling me ‘most other JETs around this time are feeling about 20%. The holidays are approaching, most have never been away from their families, let alone by themselves - especially during this time - and many just want to return home. They begin drinking a lot or partying a lot or hanging out only with foreigners. You’re in the best shape I have heard for a while. You seem comfortable, are living perhaps better than you did in America, and are reflecting on your life in deep and meaningful ways. Keep doing what you’re doing.” Now I am not saying any of this to brag, and clearly his pool consists mainly of people who call because they are depressed, but sometimes you need to hear things like this to help re-adjust your focus.

As crazy as it may seem, I have come to realize these are some of the best days of my life. I packed up everything into two bags and hoped on a plane to the other side of the world where I fumble through the language, am illiterate, and am working in a field for which I have no previous experience. I also got here, unpacked my bags and started training for a marathon of which I could hardly run one kilometer of when I started. Talk about stepping out of a comfort zone. Luckily, I have never been too adverse to change but as I look back, I see things couldn’t have worked out any better. If I had waited on this marathon thing, or said ‘no’ entirely, I likely would have gotten sick or depressed with my lot; but having this impossible goal has kept me out of the rut and got me squeezing exercise into my daily routine. If K had asked me on another day, I don’t think I would have said yes, because she caught me in between two periods of homesickness and loneliness. I don’t know what drove me through the grueling application and interview for this job but it has made me realize that, like shoving my stuff into two bags, I have to sift through my own mental baggage and blocks to focus on adapting to this new life. Perhaps everyone should pack up and go every 5-10 years or so. Maybe just take a sabbatical for a few months and teach in a third world country. It is effective not only for cleaning up the clutter in your home, but for cleaning the clutter in your life.

I feel cleansed. I finished a half marathon on Sunday. I had many demons and it was really hard. Some of it I walked and at 10K when I was running past the finish line knowing I still had 11K to go, I can’t lie and say I didn’t think about quitting. I mean, who would have known? I could have disappeared until my friends finished then showed up around the time I should have finished and crossed that finish line. But I couldn’t do it. When it came down to it, I just kept fighting. Even yesterday, when I was nursing sore knees and staring sadly past my students while they played soccer, I realized I had made the right decision. It was the first of many challenges I will face in mastering my own mind. It is one thing to say I feel more capable of motivating myself, but it is another thing entirely to test it. This time, I passed. Perhaps I am capable of being my own boss someday after all.

I still have a lot of challenges ahead here in Japan. And in life. But as of Sunday, I feel a little more confident in my ability to overcome them and looking back, I realize I have already overcome so much. There is nothing like talking to an old woman on a bus, or a group of teachers over dinner in another language and hearing them remark on how remarkable you are, and how much courage you have. Of course I wave them off and tell them it isn’t like that, but it stays with me and sometimes, I feel like I do have that courage. Sometimes, I feel like with the decisions I have made over the past year, like so many other JETs, I truly am remarkable. This job is so much more than a job.