New Beginnings

While I still intend to keep to my promise to graduate from this blog, I do want you all to know that I have not given up blogging entirely. A lot has happened in my life since I first came to Japan in 2010 and now I have a family of my own here. And a new blog to report on them. Check it out if you are interested and I hope you all are doing well too!

http://pregnantoita.blogspot.jp/

See you there!

Love, N

Akemashite Omedetou!

New Year, new resolutions.

The first is, however sad it may be, to say good-bye to this blog. I begin graduate school here in Oita in April and since I will be working in the day then attending school in the evening (and seeing as how is has been months since my last update anyway) - it is time to bid farewell to my blog. Of course I will still keep  my photo stream which is accessible via links posted occasionally on my google+ (https://plus.google.com/113518883430492995697/posts) or facebook (https://www.facebook.com/nikoooru) so if you want to continue to follow what is quickly becoming a more permanent life in Japan - feel free to do so! I will keep my old posts up in case people feel like reading them, but otherwise - Sayonara!

Happy New Year to everyone and I hope you fulfill your resolutions!

-Love, N

Summer time

It's hot and I'm sleepy – The story of summer as an ALT in Japan

In accordance with a previous pledge to try and write more about my job here rather than numerous other random travels in my life, I am posting this as a testament to all of my fellow ALTs, and those aspiring to become one themselves. Summer in Japan is a mix of amazing and horrible, boring and highly entertaining. It is like waking up bipolar every day. Someone told me once in college while I was studying Japanese that over here they have year round school. Either I completely misunderstood what that meant, or they were mistaken but Japan actually runs on a trimester system. The school year begins in April with the first trimester running until mid-July, at which time the students have summer vacation. The second trimester begins in the first week of September and runs until the end of December when everyone is released for winter break (New Year’s is a big deal over here). Beginning around the second week of January, everyone is back for the third trimester which ends in the end of March.

That being said, students do not really get a break. They come to school pretty much every morning to practice club activities. For students who chose not to be in a club... well they get to fart around at home like a normal American kid. There are not really summer camps or YMCA places out here for the students to attend (though that being said there is sometimes weekly and daily camps at special times during the break for those who wish to attend). So, since the students are here every day, teachers must also be here, including ‘fake’ teachers like me. Thus, here I am sitting at my desk on a warm summer day in a teacher’s room filled to the brim with only 4 other teachers (just because they have to work doesn’t mean they can’t take paid leave) with a fan spinning languidly beside me and the TV a low hum in the background while the Olympics plays on the news.

It would be an understatement to say this was boring, but of course although there are things I would like to do, I am lacking in motivation to do them. Cue world’s smallest violin. There is plenty of quiet meditation time and lots of freedom (until only a few weeks ago I would split for a couple hours to the pool here at school so I could swim off some energy before twiddling my thumbs further) so some of the teachers are really productive... on the novels they read at their desks. No, seriously though, some people actually get a lot of work done – lesson planning, preparing tests, etc. But most are like me and sit behind their desks stifling yawns and trying not to sweat through every layer of their clothing (no sense in using the AC if the temperature is less than 32 degrees Celsius – a statement I completely agree with and hate myself for saying so sometimes). At least we have a breeze most days.

So, although my job is typically pretty booked up with classes and planning, I get a few weeks of the summer to relax and chill at work (although I would rather be chilling at home) – though who can complain too loudly since I am still getting paid. In fact, I also get more than the swim time I mentioned earlier, we can leave for “lunch breaks” during the afternoon - 2-3 hours ones being completely acceptable as long as they are not more than once a week. So, picnics in the park with the boyfriend for an afternoon? OK. Going home on a breezy day for an afternoon run and load of laundry - no problem. Having a BBQ party outside the teachers room with the 4 other staff members (including the vice principal) at noon on a Tuesday – why not? Yeah, this is an easy job... now if only I was one of those people capable of relaxing... Love.

Saying Goodbye

This is a bit of a random post, and I know I owe you all a lot more better informed ones but I got a few emails today and over the past few days that have inspired an entry. This month will be rough for me. I have to say goodbye to a lot of friends I have made over the past few years because they are leaving. It is kind of strange to think that two years ago at this time, I was freaking out about coming to this country, and now I can't imagine ever leaving it.

B sent out this amazing newsletter filled with some of the awesome things she has learned here and I was almost in tears reading it to think she, and some of my other close friends, would be saying goodbye to me to move on with their lives. Does that make me less successful because I am not seemingly moving on with mine? Well, let me inform you, I plan on taking the entrance examination at Oita University in the upcoming weeks so I can begin graduate school in Microbiology next year. I will be applying to a few schools back home (hopefully my GRE scores are still acceptable), but my not so secret wish is to stay here. I have come to love everything about this country, and feel very sorry to see my friends leaving. While I selfishly want them to stay to be with me, I also want them to stay because I feel so loved here, and I keep thinking those feelings apply to everyone.

Well, turns out there are some people here who hate it, and others who love it, and still others who want to move on. Part of separating ourselves from our childhood is making decisions that make us happy, as individuals, versus pleasing those around us. And this brings me to the main point of this discussion... my personal decisions for the future and how they relate to the job.

Teaching children is a lot of fun. But, it is very tiring. As a friend of mine said very clearly, Japan lives by the book. By this I don't mean the bible. I mean a giant instruction book filled with clauses and situations and the answers to them. If you want to do something that is not in the book, it can't be done. Thus when I want to teach my students phonics and how to spell while they are still in elementary school, the book is consulted. If I want to attend a seminar for teaching English in Tokyo during a break, the book is consulted. If I want to study Japanese with an outside program or go to a doctor's appointment using sick leave instead of vacation time, the book is consulted. You get the idea. Making changes in anything here usually leads to a brick wall because your request is either immediately denied because it is not in the book, or discussed with a group of people outside of your knowledge and then changed or denied later. I am not saying this to be particularly negative but it is just how it is a lot of the time. This is not to say change is impossible but you have to be very creative and persistent.

Seeing my friends leaving Japan who have been pushing and pulling in all the same areas I have is a little depressing because it feels like I will be making these strides alone from here on out. Trying to plant my own small seed in this side of the world while I watch over the seedlings of others. Up to this point it has always been a small relief to be able to bitch and whine to my friends about the small things that get us down and then laugh about some of the really hilarious things that come up in our lives. I know that new JETs are coming and I will form relationships with some of them as well but I think with the changing of the ALTs, a change will occur in me as well. Part of me knows that if I plan to make a life here, I need something more permanent than the constant flow of foreigners who will rotate out like the changing of the moon, so I too need to find my own path. This is truly one door closing while another door opens.

The inspiration for some of this deep thought came from an email I got from an old friend. Not a lot of people know this, but I got fired from my very first real job. I was a 14 year old junior camp counselor at a 6-week overnight camp. The day before we were scheduled to go home (pay would be delivered upon completion of the full term), I stupidly decided to follow some of the more convincing staff members to make a midnight run to Wal-mart (although we all knew if we were caught it mean we were fired). Sure enough we were caught and fired and I spent the next week in my room crying out my shame in myself. I think it is enough to imagine that I punished myself far more than my parents or grandparents (who got me the job) could have done and the lack of an entire summer's pay would remind me of my mistake for months to come.

I taught you this information to give you a slight background on this friend who mailed me. Suffice it to say she was one of the people who helped convince me to tag along, and wanting to impress her, I quickly acceded. As a teenager I was most definitely one of the girls who tried pretty desperately to get into the popular group and this girl was one of those popular people who just inspired followers in her every footstep. It took me until the middle of high school to realize it was a wasted effort and I then pledged to use that energy I was putting into impressing others into improving myself. It took a while to get used to, but I managed to build a bit of a foundation for a strong me, who I proceeded to build and construct upon. The foundation is still there and I use it to this day, with a little tuning up here and there from self-reflection. The point of all this is, I feel good about myself and the person I am becoming, and it was really flattering to receive an email from this girl I thought was really 'all that' saying she had been following my facebook all these years and wanted to hear a little more about the things I am doing. The words 'impressed' and 'proud' really got my attention and caused me to think a lot about the big choices I have coming up in my life.

Regardless of how the people in my life move around or change, I always hope to have the same foundation in our relationship that I have in myself. An unbreakable layer of brick from which to build upon and expand. I hope to have this relationship with Japan, my job experiences, and  America as well. I am so lucky in my life to have the opportunity to have these adventures and to have some really amazing choices ahead of me for the future, and I want everyone to see the doors in front of them as well. So although life comes with a whole lot of downs (like you friends moving away, passing away ( ;-( ), or missing opportunities), remember to keep your eyes out for the big uphill, because it is not far ahead. I look forward to hearing your thoughts. Love.

Hazukashii

Welcome to Japan. Everything in this land is going to seem foreign at first, and a lot of things are going to be amazing... or terrible. I don't often write about the negative side of this country because I like to think I am an optimist, but it is more likely that I simply don't feel a lot of negativity in my Japan life. Lucky me? On that note, I experienced something the other day that really honed in a concept about Japanese people, women in particular, that I find both outrageous and heartbreaking.

The word in Japanese is 恥ずかしい (hazukashii) and it translates roughly to 'embarrassing' although the meaning goes a bit deeper in my opinion. You will hear it a lot in this country. Women will complain about feeling hazukashii when their skirts roll the wrong way (although the irony of their ultra-mini skirts as the dark line of their stockings pokes through is not lost on me) and men will ask it of women if parts of their shoulders are showing or they drink alcohol too fast. For a long time I just attributed it to a culture of men having subconscious control over women by implementing in their heads the idea that feeling embarrassed is sexy. You can especially see it in this countries pornography where all the women are featured being practically assaulted by men and crying out, often in mock pain, by the onslaught. I still have trouble wrapping my head around women being so submissive, especially in a field where historically women have been in control, but I realize more and more now that women in this country have learned to use hazukashii to their advantage. Take the example earlier of the women with the VERY short skirt pointing out how embarrassed she feels while she readjusts. This clearly only draws attention to her choice of apparel and thus brings all eyes to the assets she is co blatantly trying to flaunt. Power to her! Use what womanly strength you have to overcome the disadvantages you are given because of your sex.

But there is a lot of negativity that comes from this image, especially when it comes to children. This idea of 'embarrassment' has pervaded not just through men to women, but has existed so long that women, mothers, older sisters and friends will ask it of one another without a second thought. 'Aren't you embarrassed?' becomes more an off collar greeting than a serious discussion and people are constantly thinking of ways to hide themselves (aside from those who have figured out the ins and outs of the system). This leaves us with a culture of people who feel uncomfortable both with their bodies, and with those of other people. The outrageous contradiction between this sentiment and their fully naked public bathing culture is best left to another day.

The point I am trying to focus your attention on is a solid example of this hazukashii culture that I experienced with some of my students the other day. Now I do not have particularly high self confidence but I am comfortable with my body most of the time (which is very lucky, I know) and when I am in my one piece for swimming in a lap pool, I am in my element. Participating in swim teams my whole life has left me with an immunity to paranoia in a one piece and instead puts me on a very comfortable level, especially once I get going in the water (I am like a fish!).  So when I was invited to join my students for swim class I grabbed my one piece and a board shirt cover up (so no one had to worry about my tattoo) and jumped right on outside. The teachers all exclaimed how weird it was to see legs (most of them wear shorts over their swimsuits) and to make sure my apparel was appropriate I asked the vice principal. Approval came without a second thought and thinking nothing more of the matter I went outside to join the students.

Immediately I was confronted with 2 fourth grade girls who asked me directly 'aren't you embarrassed?', pointing to my exposed legs. I looked around and noticed that all of them were wearing shorts and a board shirt over their swimsuits. Now I am no stranger to adolescent self-esteem issues, having been around the block on every end of the spectrum between my sister and I, so I can understand when a young girl feels uncomfortable about her body. But I don't ever remember feeling that way as a nine year old child. Nor do I recall anyone else around me expressing that sentiment from such a young age.

I am aware that times are changing and even back in America children as young as 7 and 8 are beginning to feel and understand body issues in a negative way, but hear me out for a moment before you bring that up. These two girls, who in my opinion are at the androgynous age of children until they reach puberty (with boys and girls differing only in society's display of their sex via color preference and toy choice) not only felt uncomfortable about their own bodies, but felt those feelings strongly enough about the bodies around them not only to feel uncomfortable about my legs, but enough so to comment on it to me. Completely taken aback, I explained that we are all human and that we all have the same parts, especially being that we are the same sex.  I also said they would very soon have the exact SAME body as me, in terms of woman bits and thus, why should I feel embarrassed?

Catching them equally off guard, they thought for a moment about what I said then walked away. I was not confronted further about the subject, but it stayed with me for the rest of the day and into today as well. My first thought was, 'how sad?' Memories of my own struggle with my body throughout childhood and the stress it caused me and those around me surfaced unexpectedly. All I could think was, who would put a child through that stress at such an early age? Surely the idea of embarrassment and the urge to hide your body is completely influenced by society, because if you look at the case of feral children and those people raised in small tribes, they do not feel sensitive about bodies in the same way those of us from the first world do, if they feel any sensitivity at all. Thus I am drawn to the conclusion that these children were taught, for who knows how long, to be hyper-aware of their own bodies and those of the people around them - and to feel ashamed of that awareness. That in itself is heartbreaking to me. Causing the undue stress on a child in terms of their body image, and multiplying that two fold to include feelings towards the people around them seems a cruel and sad fate for a child.

I spoke earlier to the school nurse at my middle school about the experience, thinking perhaps it is a cultural difference that I am unable to comprehend this concept or overcome my negativity towards it. She listened to all I said and then looked at me with very sad eyes while she processed my thoughts on the matter. Once she was ready to shed some light on the matter, she came to same conclusion that I have. That these children are being subjected much to soon to a culture of anxiety that they are going to inevitably become a part of in the near future. And she agreed that it is heartbreaking. She also said she would think on it more and wants to hear my opinion on other matters I observe in her country as well. Interesting.

I would love to hear what you think. Love.

Parting Ceremony

離任式　Parting ceremony


March 29, 2012

So today is one of the most dreaded days in my Japanese school life. Every year at this time (end of March) some of the teachers get transferred. I list this in the passive tense because they do not choose this uncertain fate, rather it is "bestowed" upon them. Japan does a lot of things different from America and this is certainly one of them. There can be good reasons and bad reasons behind this mandatory job change the most obvious of which being changing the people you are working with - because I can imagine there are times when you either want the change or dread it. Regardless, as what I like to consider a cousin to the normal sibling relationship shared by the teachers, last year I was caught completely off guard pertaining to this big event. This time around, however, I was ready for it.

Let me try to summarize this experience for you, because if you have never been involved in it, it can be quite confusing and - for the teachers being transferred - scary. Basically the school year over here runs from April to March (year round schooling is how we refer to it in America, however the students do get long breaks in-between each trimester, much the same as our summer and winter vacation) as do virtually all businesses and government operations. Due to this system, March is a very busy time for the country while year-end summaries are completed, pay-roll updates and bonuses are distributed, and jobs are finished up. Think tax time?

The banquet at the going away party...

Anyway, teachers are no exception to this system on account of education follows the same pattern. So, while the students are getting ready to graduate to the next level of schooling, teachers too must prepare for the new school year and prep themselves in case they are transferred. Every job over here is like this (or so I have been told). The big bosses at the top of the food chain have the freedom to redistribute their employees as they feel necessary, and the underlings have little to no say in this matter.


So to summarize, the end of March means teacher rotation, which means lots of drinking and oddly enough, gifts. To signal the end of the school year (and just about everything else) there is a big enkai, the end of which is followed by an announcement about who will be leaving our lovely establishment (last year the teachers had not even been told privately before the announcement was made and thus this year they tried to tactfully inform each teacher prior to the rest of the staff finding out) and which school or public office they are being transferred to. Those who have the (mis)fortune [depends on the party I guess] to be transferred are then huddled into meetings all day the next day (and perhaps those following) in between the time they are given to collect everything out of their desks and classrooms. It is a fast process and caught me completely off guard the first time it took place.

I don't get it - they get forced to transfer and I get gifts?!

You see, when the 'old' teachers leave, they give everyone in the office something special (usually a food item) and we are expected to provide something for them in return. Then on the their last day, we go out drinking again to celebrate them. Needless to say, I was caught completely off guard and missed this entirely last time. Determined not to make the same mistake, I spent the whole weekend prior to this day baking so I wouldn't look a fool. In return I actually got a lot of really cool presents. It was really sweet.


 Once we were out with the old, it was time to welcome in the new. In a matter of days the teachers switch out and suddenly there is a whole new crop of names to remember and people to place in vacated desks. This perhaps would not be such a problem if you only had one school - but I have nine. This means that although I am only intimately connected to my junior high school, the other eight elementary schools also undergo this change. Basically the first two months of the new semester are a big adventure for me since I never know which teacher I will be working with, or which school they ended up at (assuming they are still at one of mine). Just something that keeps me on my toes! Haha.

Banquet for the new teachers

New teachers come in and within days (and lots and lots of meetings), desks, sports clubs, school counsel and inter-school activities as well as subject and grade level teachers have been decided. It is quite the flourish of activity. Basically the ALT (me) becomes all but forgotten (which isn't really a problem because who wants to go to all those meetings anyway?!) and once everything is settled down a bit and the welcome party is planned (yes, more drinking) my existence is recognized again. Man I am glad I was prepared with a good book and lots of studying material this time around. ;-) Well, hope you enjoyed a little dip into some more strange but intriguing cultural tidbits! Love.

From practice to ... perfect?

～次郎の会～ April 22, 2012

I just realized today as I was planning this blog entry at work that I have not been updating much about my work life or the things I do in this country pertaining to my actual job (which was honestly the initial purpose for this blog) and I will make it more of a priority to do so... as soon as I tell you about Sunday.

Me dancing... many years ago

So April 22, 2012 has been a set date on my calendar from as far back as October of last year. The reason being because my dance teacher had finally decided I knew enough basics to perform in the annual recital hosted by her teacher (who is 86 years old, mind you). In the months, weeks and days leading up to the performance there were not too many events of note but I am going to lead you through the process as it went for me because, having never been any kind of performer in my life (besides playing cello decently in orchestra and a rock band - which might be a bit closer of a comparison), it was a real treat.

I have been studying nihon buyo (traditional Japanese dance) since January-ish of 2011. But my experience with this form of dance actually began during my home stay in 2006 when I was still a high school student. While I was living in Sendai, another host family invited me to join their host daughter for a weekly dance session during our stay in town. This amounted to six sessions all in all, and one -mini- performance at our sayonara-party. It was impromptu and scary as far as I can remember but it didn't make much of an impression on me.

The stage during rehearsal

During college, and returning to Florida, it proved impossible for me to continue studying this kind of dance and I didn't really have much interest in other forms (besides the less organized club dancing my college roomies and I were known to be fluent in). A few times during my reign as Japanese club president I was able to put on little dance events where, with the help of a Japanese/American friend's mom, I was able to teach some other members basic moves.

Basically, all of this led to a dormant interest in something that I knew I would try hard to continue once I took up residence in Japan sometime in the future. Once I got here it proved to be a greater challenge than I anticipated. I found plenty of teachers but most of them rejected me claiming I was too tall. (I am 5'4" or 164cm). It took me about 6 months into my stint to finally find a teacher and once I got started learning it was all I could do to leave after class every week. I wanted to learn everything!

Months passed and then almost one year when, as I mentioned, my teacher (sensei) determined I was ready to perform. When she made the decision it was still many months from the date but unlike all the other concerts I had been in (and I only have orchestra and the rock band to compare this to - where the whole group is on the stage together, even when you have a solo) I would be doing my dance as a duo. There would be no one else on stage with us.

By January, she and her teacher had selected a song. I found out quickly that song selection itself was quite the hassle because no one can perform the same song and there is a limited selection of songs in the amateur repertoire to select from. I assume there are typically not so many amateurs in the group? Anyway, once she had selected the song I began learning it earnestly. Up until that point I would learn one or two or even three dances at once to get down certain movements and techniques rather than learn each dance perfectly. This changed with momiji no hashi (The bridge of autumn leaves) which was the song I would perform. Every week I came to my lesson (which is private) to an eager teacher ready to teach me another portion of the song, and once I had learned every step, how to perfect it for a crowd. This was actually the hardest part for me. I had always been dancing for myself so it was difficult to wrap my head around the fact that I would have to remember the other people watching and most especially - to turn my head and eyes and body, in their direction constantly. There were a few bumps along the way, particularly when about a month before the performance sensei changed my music and some vital dance steps. Oh and 2 weeks before the dance she told me I would be dancing alone. Yeah, that was quite the bump in the road. While I refrained from freaking out completely, I consoled myself by just completely ignoring the upcoming event at every opportunity. Well, besides practicing.

A week before the dance, on Saturday morning, I had my first ever dress rehearsal. I mean first... ever. My sister was always the thespian. It was scary and a little rough around the edges when I stepped onto the stage the first time. It seemed giant and even though there were only a few scattered people standing about, with very few of them paying me any attention, I was sweating bullets from nervousness. Guess I have stage fright. I made a few mistakes and tumbled out apologies to my sensei while trying to gather the courage to make another attempt. She just laughed and said it was completely fine, while assuring me this is what rehearsals are for. I had promised myself I would not act like a child during rehearsal by asking her to sit on the stage with me and guide me through the moves - and I am proud to say I managed that much. But it took a lot to manage even that.

After that, the week flew by. I had my final dance practice on Tuesday before the Sunday performance and it went fine. Very small touch-ups, like reminding me to keep my head up, butt tucked in, and hands at the correct level. Actually nihon buyo is very technical since there is not a lot of movement, so every step must be very precise with strong control over your body and muscles. I found out quickly on Sunday just how difficult that can be when your legs are quivering from nervousness but we will get there.

On to Saturday night. I had no plans in the evening and rather than continue to stress myself out about the upcoming recital, I decided to go visit my friends B and J in the nearby town. It had been a while since I had managed to get myself out there since we had all been so busy recently, so sitting down to dinner together with wine and a movie was really a nice change of pace. Well, until the gale force winds swept by all night... But that is completely unrelated to my performance. Out of nervousness, I woke up around 5 and couldn't get back to sleep so I played some phone games and tried not to wake up my friends. We all got up and moving around 7:30 and after a small breakfast and shower, I headed out to sensei's house to get ready. The wind had not slowed down and neither had the rain so I honestly felt like I was driving through a hurricane which did help to distract me from the slight cramping in my gut and the sweaty palms.

Sensei was all ready to go when I got there so we loaded up the car and got on our way without further adieu. Once we arrived at the community center we were lucky enough to get a parking spot out front and unloaded to a very ...empty... hall. Turns out we were the second ones to get there, next to my sensei's sensei. But that did not stop anyone from getting on the way to prep time.

Now, I don't know what recitals of this kind are like back in America, but this was all very strange for me. See, as a performer, I was expected to pay a certain amount of money in order to be able to participate. This is pretty common in Japan where people always put out a lot of money for their hobbies - even when they become professional level (in fact it only gets more expensive from there). So I kind of thought there would be backstage crew and the like to help organize everyone and get things set up. Well... that is what I had always heard happens at these bigger events. Turns out this event was like most things in Japan that I had come to experience. People just kind of knew where they were supposed to be and when, what was expected of them and were otherwise free to do as they pleased. Everyone managed to get everything done without any seeming guidance over the process as a whole.

Luckily, my time in Japan has prepared me to approach everything with very open ears and eyes because people often forget I have no idea what I am doing. That being said, the event proceeded something like this... *cue the movie style cut scene*

Once we unpacked the car I was baffled by the way people moved about seemingly connected by an invisible string to a list of tasks that needed completed. Sensei led me behind the stage to the dressing room and explained that there was the room for everyone, then the room for her sensei set off to the side so people could come in and give her gifts and the like. When we arrived the audience floor had been completely empty, along with the stage, but when we went back out, the cushions had been placed on the floor and the shamisen area had been created on the stage. I found out this had not been done by the staff of the center (those people had been prepping the sound equipment and lighting) but rather by the performers and their, as I like to call them, support teams (parents, friends, teachers, etc.). Each performer, or group of performers, had a small group of people who came with them to help get their kimono prepared, make-up on, save an area for their guests and numerous other things I had not even thought of. My support team was my fellow dance student's mother and grandma (I call my fellow student imoto senpai [meaning roughly senior little sister] when I don't use her name because she is actually one of my students at elementary school but has been doing dance longer - complicated relationship).

K-chan (imoto senpai) pulled me away from the stage long enough to get us backstage again. They told me we should do our make-up and hair now before the other performers started to arrive since the mirror space would quickly become limited, so I started putting layer upon layer of creams and colors on my face hoping it would resemble the stage make-up I had seen applied on the internet (yeah I researched stage make-up on youtube). The end result was not too shabby and since my sensei's daughter would be doing my hair later in the afternoon, I was finished up relatively early. Having volunteered the previous day to do up K-chan's hair, I got to work on pulling this poor 9-year old girl's hair into some semblance of cute braids so we could clip in apprentice geisha accessories and hair-spray the crap out of her head. By then other people had started to arrive and so K-chan got into her kimono since she wanted to get in one last on stage rehearsal before she lost the stage to the more experience dancers. This is where the individualism of the whole thing started to hit me. People were mingling about everywhere - dancers, support teams, audience, half dressed shamisen players, and stage assistants all with their own personal agenda and time frame - but magically not getting in anyone else's way. K-chan did her rehearsal to limited fanfare, since as I mentioned everyone was focused on getting their laundry list completed, and then we were released to our own devices while sensei focused on getting her supplies in order.

Lunch was a bento box which had been delivered for all of the performers and it was a very informal affair with people coming to the area, grabbing their box and then eating whenever and where ever they felt. I was beginning to get concerned about where my friends would be able to sit once they arrived so I started asking around about saving a place for the "foreigners" who would begin to trickle in shortly after lunch time. K-chan's mom took care of saving them a place where they could 'stretch out their legs' (as they had requested I try and get for them) and they even went so far as to inform the stage staff and entrance team (other dancers who were unable to perform in this event for one reason or another and were thus in charge of distributing programs and handling receiving gifts for the performers) of my guests. It was actually turned into such a big deal that they made a special place in the announcement later about how happy they were to have such a broad, International audience at the event. But that is Japan for you.


I had no appetite and was starting to get lost in the midst of everything that was happening around me (comes with not being connected to the invisible cord list I guess) so I started following sensei like a lost puppy. She didn't know what to do with me and I finally confessed I wanted to get one onstage practice in before lunch was over. She kindly dressed me in my kimono and led me to the stage, where the curtain had been set in place so no one could see the last minute prep going on onstage. Sensei got them to turn on the music and sat with me while I ran through the routine. I messed up a few times in places I have never messed up in before, sensei laughed and gently asked me to try again from the top, correcting a few last minute poses and trying to soothe my quickly fraying nerves.

We grabbed our lunch and went to meet her daughter, another of my senpai's and K-chan so we could all eat lunch together. My stomach was completely tangled up and I couldn't really get anything down so I mostly sat, twiddling my thumbs, while everyone around me carried out empty conversation trying not to think about their own fears. Once lunch finished it was almost 1 o'clock (the scheduled start time of the show), so I went back stage to wait for my friend M to come and do my hair. Now comes the part of the day where I got really confused/amazed/lost. Haha. The show started right at one, but I didn't get to see much of it. It took about 30mins just to get my hair done up. M had researched on the internet how to style my hair like a maiko (apprentice geisha) so we sprayed and pinned it until my life-less, thin brown hair turned into a voluminous, red-accented masterpiece. She really did an excellent job. During this time, various performances were under way and, having no idea what time I was suppose to go on, I made my way out to the area where my friends were supposed to be sitting.

Time was something I was really confused about the whole day actually. People had been asking since I started talking about this event, 'what time will you be performing' and no matter how many times I asked sensei the answer was always, 'when it is your turn.' I am not normally the kind of person to run on a strict timetable but I kind of expected, apparently my friends did as well, that there would some kind of time outline for when people should be ready to go on. There was nothing of the sort. You prepared to go on when you felt like it was the right time and lined up at the place where you enter the stage (each person was different) once the person before you had gone out to perform. I watched other people for this information, because no one told me, and gradually became aware of the timing of events and who the people performing before me were. K-chan would go on three people before me and my teacher would come on about three people after me. I planned with my teacher to meet her at a designated place backstage once K-chan had finished her dance and she was there to help me breathe while she set me up backstage to prepare to go on. I was shaking by then and sweating bullets but I tried really hard to man up when I saw that she was shaking too. As was just about everyone backstage - even the people who had finished! She held my hands while we waited for the person before me to get set-up then left me to find her own seat. I had about 3 minutes to myself trying to calm my nerves but it felt like 3 seconds. I tried doing a few of the less rehearsed moves to myself behind the curtain and a few of the other dancers (all of whom are senior to me and know my dance by heart) looked on and gave me last minute pointers in an attempt to calm me down.

I never actually saw this until now...
my bow was cool!

Once the woman in front me finished and exited the stage, it was time. But as I lined up in my place and tried to still my knees someone tapped me on the shoulder and told me there was going to be a speech before I performed. I can honestly say I did not listen to anything he said because the pounding of my own heart was too loud, but I found out later he did the normal Japanese bit - thanking everyone for their patience and hospitality while honoring us by observing our humble dances - then added a lengthy bit about how happy he was to have foreigners in the audience, not just supporting me (the foreigner who would be performing following his speech) but also observing and honoring the other performers. Thankfully I didn't pay any attention to this because I think I would have just died of embarrassment.. As it was it was all I could do to stop the completely unbidden tears from falling down my face. I have never in my life felt anything like that. It was horrible. And once the music started I thought I might get into a zone - but then the music stopped unexpectedly. Not knowing what to do, I hurried backstage and waited until it began again. Thankfully everyone laughed (they told me later I looked really endearing skittering away in my kimono) but once they got the problem sorted out and started the music again seconds later, I wasn't feeling any better.


I just pushed myself through it, feeling the whole time like all I had to do was look up above the people and perhaps they would disappear. I got about halfway through the routine before my knees finally stopped knocking together and pulled through the whole thing without any major mistakes. I am sure sensei will tell me today I was late in one section and moved too quickly through another (something I had no choice but to ignore once I messed them up for fear of continuing to make mistakes), but I don't feel terrible about my performance.

Smashing cultural boundaries with a smile!

The rest of the show comes as a blur now. It took me about an hour to get control of my body and mind again while my body slowly cycled through the endorphins it had been forcing my adrenal glands to produce. I sat with my friends, watching a few other people perform and receiving congratulations as was expected of me. I gave my share of compliments as well, and once all the performances had been finished we all gathered backstage - apparently led by that same imaginary string we had been connected by the whole time since miraculously everyone was there without anyone having been told - to give one final bow. We sat in a line, the curtain went up and there was a final speech and a lot of clapping. It was pretty cool because by then I was really feeling myself again and even in good enough spirits to have a secret tickle fight with the adorable 10 year old sitting next to me.

The adorable children

People began to clear out after that with people going so far as to put away their own cushions, sweep the stage and carry around garbage bags to grab anything people had missed. I got everything into my car, took a ton of pictures, and headed home. Pretty uneventful way to end a crazy day full of new experiences. Here is a link to the video if you feel inclined to watch it, and I added a bunch of pictures to this entry so you can enjoy them at your leisure.

Flowers and gifts... for me?!?!

I want to say thank you to everyone for being wonderful for me. Most of the people who helped me the most, like sensei, are never going to read this, but I really would have failed miserably without her, and everyone else's kindness. I feel really lucky to have been able to have an experience like this and I will practice hard for next year so I can hopefully do it one last time before I end my time here. I also put up a picture of some of the stuff people gave me. I am so grateful and a little astounded at the kindness shown to me, some of which was presented materially by people I hardly knew, and thank you all again. Love.

More pics and video:

Japanese Dance 日本舞踊

Thanks friends!

My favorite action shot!