Saying Goodbye

This is a bit of a random post, and I know I owe you all a lot more better informed ones but I got a few emails today and over the past few days that have inspired an entry. This month will be rough for me. I have to say goodbye to a lot of friends I have made over the past few years because they are leaving. It is kind of strange to think that two years ago at this time, I was freaking out about coming to this country, and now I can't imagine ever leaving it.

B sent out this amazing newsletter filled with some of the awesome things she has learned here and I was almost in tears reading it to think she, and some of my other close friends, would be saying goodbye to me to move on with their lives. Does that make me less successful because I am not seemingly moving on with mine? Well, let me inform you, I plan on taking the entrance examination at Oita University in the upcoming weeks so I can begin graduate school in Microbiology next year. I will be applying to a few schools back home (hopefully my GRE scores are still acceptable), but my not so secret wish is to stay here. I have come to love everything about this country, and feel very sorry to see my friends leaving. While I selfishly want them to stay to be with me, I also want them to stay because I feel so loved here, and I keep thinking those feelings apply to everyone.

Well, turns out there are some people here who hate it, and others who love it, and still others who want to move on. Part of separating ourselves from our childhood is making decisions that make us happy, as individuals, versus pleasing those around us. And this brings me to the main point of this discussion... my personal decisions for the future and how they relate to the job.

Teaching children is a lot of fun. But, it is very tiring. As a friend of mine said very clearly, Japan lives by the book. By this I don't mean the bible. I mean a giant instruction book filled with clauses and situations and the answers to them. If you want to do something that is not in the book, it can't be done. Thus when I want to teach my students phonics and how to spell while they are still in elementary school, the book is consulted. If I want to attend a seminar for teaching English in Tokyo during a break, the book is consulted. If I want to study Japanese with an outside program or go to a doctor's appointment using sick leave instead of vacation time, the book is consulted. You get the idea. Making changes in anything here usually leads to a brick wall because your request is either immediately denied because it is not in the book, or discussed with a group of people outside of your knowledge and then changed or denied later. I am not saying this to be particularly negative but it is just how it is a lot of the time. This is not to say change is impossible but you have to be very creative and persistent.

Seeing my friends leaving Japan who have been pushing and pulling in all the same areas I have is a little depressing because it feels like I will be making these strides alone from here on out. Trying to plant my own small seed in this side of the world while I watch over the seedlings of others. Up to this point it has always been a small relief to be able to bitch and whine to my friends about the small things that get us down and then laugh about some of the really hilarious things that come up in our lives. I know that new JETs are coming and I will form relationships with some of them as well but I think with the changing of the ALTs, a change will occur in me as well. Part of me knows that if I plan to make a life here, I need something more permanent than the constant flow of foreigners who will rotate out like the changing of the moon, so I too need to find my own path. This is truly one door closing while another door opens.

The inspiration for some of this deep thought came from an email I got from an old friend. Not a lot of people know this, but I got fired from my very first real job. I was a 14 year old junior camp counselor at a 6-week overnight camp. The day before we were scheduled to go home (pay would be delivered upon completion of the full term), I stupidly decided to follow some of the more convincing staff members to make a midnight run to Wal-mart (although we all knew if we were caught it mean we were fired). Sure enough we were caught and fired and I spent the next week in my room crying out my shame in myself. I think it is enough to imagine that I punished myself far more than my parents or grandparents (who got me the job) could have done and the lack of an entire summer's pay would remind me of my mistake for months to come.

I taught you this information to give you a slight background on this friend who mailed me. Suffice it to say she was one of the people who helped convince me to tag along, and wanting to impress her, I quickly acceded. As a teenager I was most definitely one of the girls who tried pretty desperately to get into the popular group and this girl was one of those popular people who just inspired followers in her every footstep. It took me until the middle of high school to realize it was a wasted effort and I then pledged to use that energy I was putting into impressing others into improving myself. It took a while to get used to, but I managed to build a bit of a foundation for a strong me, who I proceeded to build and construct upon. The foundation is still there and I use it to this day, with a little tuning up here and there from self-reflection. The point of all this is, I feel good about myself and the person I am becoming, and it was really flattering to receive an email from this girl I thought was really 'all that' saying she had been following my facebook all these years and wanted to hear a little more about the things I am doing. The words 'impressed' and 'proud' really got my attention and caused me to think a lot about the big choices I have coming up in my life.

Regardless of how the people in my life move around or change, I always hope to have the same foundation in our relationship that I have in myself. An unbreakable layer of brick from which to build upon and expand. I hope to have this relationship with Japan, my job experiences, and  America as well. I am so lucky in my life to have the opportunity to have these adventures and to have some really amazing choices ahead of me for the future, and I want everyone to see the doors in front of them as well. So although life comes with a whole lot of downs (like you friends moving away, passing away ( ;-( ), or missing opportunities), remember to keep your eyes out for the big uphill, because it is not far ahead. I look forward to hearing your thoughts. Love.